epiphanatic » 2007» October

Posted on 10.20.07 by jstoner @ 2:28 pm

So, I went into the tattoo parlor unprepared. I had two designs in mind: one Buddha from a photograph, and one image from Steven Lane’s awesome t-shirt design. I didn’t have a clear idea what a tattoo entailed. I figured it would be painful, but I didn’t really think much about it.

I also went in thinking that I couldn’t have tattoos after surgery–it was now or never. Turns out I was wrong. After getting the tattoo and finding out how long it takes to heal–whoops, the whole two weeks until surgery–I contacted Rush. Medtronics manufactures the implant. Rush contacted them, they say tattoos afterwards are OK, but they have guidelines. And I’m fine.

Steve’s design was almost ready to go–had to simplify it some, take out a few elements, but it was cartoony enough to work almost as-is. The Buddha was this photograph. It would have required substantial tweaking to make into a workable tattoo, which would not have happened before the deadline I thought I had.

Matt and I worked out the t-shirt design quickly. He expanded it a bit, he got it transferred onto my back, I got in the chair, and he got to work on me.

At first I thought, that’s not quite so painful. Then I thought, whoa, that hurts more than I was expecting. And it did. For about three hours. Other artists would walk by: ‘That’s a lot of black.’ ‘Is that your first tattoo?’ Yes, I had jumped in the deep end.

It’s interesting to watch what your mind does with that much pain. I mean, it wasn’t agony. I’ve had arthritis flareups three or four times as painful. But the amount of time spent in pain demanded something pretty mindful.

I can’t just sit there biting a bullet for three hours–I don’t think I have that much energy. But it’s the first instinct. You just want to tense up, hold your breath, grit your teeth, think about beating someone up. Resist. I did all that.

After a few moments, I started paying attention to my breath, as my years of meditation have taught me. Which helped a bit.

But then I started giving attention to the pain. Not making anything up about it, just noticing all the details of how it felt as he traced my skin with needles. It started to fill my mind. And I found I could relax into it. Get interested in it. It wasn’t the pain that was so awful, it was the resisting.

That worked for a moment. The trouble was, he would stop. And when he started again, I had to struggle back to a mindful state.

After going through this about fifty times, I looked at something else: what was the source of the resistance? Very simple fear. It was also interesting. It was much more difficult to be with than the pain. I didn’t get as far with it.

One newly-emerging spiritual capacity for me is something I want to call ‘non-discriminating mind.’ Being able to be with what’s happening right now, and appreciate it for what it is. Not to compare it with something else. Pain? OK. No pain? OK. Not that I got there that evening, but I can see it from here. Being that way on a tattoo artist’s table seems possible to me.

My Burning Man experience was the beginning of it. I had a moment of just pure appreciation of what is, being at a particular place and time, and being happy. And not caring about what I may have imagined forty would look like: this unmet goal or that disappointment.

I’m not saying it’s the place to live your whole life from. Preferring pleasure over pain is not such a bad thing. But it’s interesting to be free of that preference. And it’s not the same as not having it.

And…the results? Well, it’s not done at this writing. Though the risks are low, I figure I’m probably better off waiting till late November to finish it. And it doesn’t look bad as it is…

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Connor

Posted on 10.19.07 by jstoner @ 4:00 pm

Connor Anderson, 11 years old, gets his first DBS procedure today in New York. That’s brave. I chickened out on brain surgery when I was about his age. Not a bad idea at the time. Still, way to step up. Go get ‘em Connor.

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the surgery–more details

Posted on 10.17.07 by jstoner @ 8:10 pm

A few things:

First, thank you. The outpouring of response and support as I face this is really beautiful. A little overwhelming, actually. And lots of “whatever you need let me know” offers. Being pathologically independent (like a lot of handicapped folks) it’s a little hard for me to think of what to do with that.

Materially, I think I have it covered. I’ll be staying out at my parent’s place for a few days after both surgeries. Otherwise, all blessings are accepted: prayer, meditation, good thoughts and wishes. Someone wanted to send me healing reiki energy… sounds great.
Fun facts:

If the surgery is successful, I may gain weight. I am forty years old, five foot eight, 135 pounds, and I can eat almost anything I want, and not gain weight. I weight about the same as I did in college. That is (at least in part) due to my condition. Excess muscle tension–that’s what dystonia is–elevates my metabolism. I’ve talked to a few folks who have gained as much as thirty pounds.

Now, I do limit my indulgence: there’s more to a healthy diet than controlling my weight. But this may entail some adjustments. I’ve never had a weight problem before. I hope I can address it more through exercise.

Also, one of the side effects of the surgery is something they call the honeymoon period–brain swelling gives some short term relief from dystonia symptoms. It’s a good sign–means they got close to the right area–but it passes. The lasting results come after the process of adjustment.

I am participating in research. This surgery is not fully approved by the FDA–they call it a ‘humanitarian exemption.’ Meaning insurance does pay for it, but you have to be part of a trial. There are two groups: the experimental group and the control group. Both get the full surgery. For the first three months, they pretend to turn on the control group’s stimulators. After the trial period, they video you, and compare with video they take before the surgery, try to isolate the placebo effect, record the results… oh, and they turn everyone’s stimulators on.

So it’s fifty-fifty: I might get the benefits of surgery right away, or I might have to wait three months. I’m OK with it… it’s for science, after all.

Infection is a whole different animal when you have foreign objects in your body, especially your brain. Especially wires going into your brain through holes in your skull–it’s like a little germ highway. So for example, if I want a tattoo, it’s now or never.

Well, it’s now. The good folks at Chicago Tattoo hooked me up, recommended by a woman named Lauren who had cool–and well done–tattoos. Went with Matt Ziolko. As of this writing, it’s not done, but I’ll post pics when it’s ready. The experience is a whole post unto itself.

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star turn: my CBF profile

Posted on 10.09.07 by jstoner @ 10:44 pm

I modeled for some promotional materials for the Chicago Bike Federation, and wrote a little piece for their site. This was edited a fair amount, but it came out fine. I’m happy to support CBF.

Filed under: Chicago and bike and life
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